“Please, please, please, buy this bass!” shouted Ovation Guitars rep Dana Cartwright, standing on the front lawn holding an Applause Elite bass over her head. “Our entire customer base is just you and confused moms who buy their kid a bass for Christmas by accident. We rely on you, Brian, and we haven’t sold a bass in years. They’re just rotting in warehouses — even landfills won’t take them.”
Ritchie, who has played an acoustic bass in Violent Femmes since their formation in 1980, is widely regarded as the only musician ever to use an acoustic bass to make good music.
“Oh, God — not these guys again,” said Ritchie with a sigh. “These clowns show up in my yard at the end of every fiscal quarter when their accounting departments start melting down. Ovation, Dean, Taylor… all the heavy hitters. I wish they would just kiss off.”
“You can’t help but feel bad for them, but I already have four acoustic basses and I only use two. I guess that means I have the most extensive collection in the world, but that’s nothing to brag about,” continued Ritchie. “I actually want to sell some of my basses to free up some room here, but I can’t bear to see the look on the company reps’ faces when they see my Reverb posting.”
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