[Agata0023]

Hey everyone, I've created this thread for all of us to post our lyrics for others to read and possibly crit. You know, give advice on how we may improve upon them. Nice comments only, no need to be nasty about it.

Oh yeah, This goes without saying, but don't steal each others work. I know I've spent along time writing, and for the most part put alot of emotion and feeling into it. It would really be a kick in the nuts to see my stuff ripped off.

 

[Agata0023]

The Making Of A Martyr

OK, so I wrote this years back, but I kinda like it, and its TOTALLY different from the stuff I usually write.



He reflects, looks back and gazes
into the moonlit sky
his thoughts running a mile a minute
he questions his tactics
was he listening to god
or some lunatics antics?

A message recieved from his savior
had he done something wrong?
a minor misdemeanor?
following his orders, he sacraficed himself
the making of a martyr

he runs and scours the earth
for answers
searching high and low
but his mind begins to show
signs of fatique
- he was so sure of his intrigue

ever as he reached the
his pinnacle of perfection
his moment in the sun
the apple of god's eye
no one had gathered
to watch him die

he should be aware, I should let him in
on my clandestine plot
- a plan for his end
it was always me
that voice, that voice inside his head.



On a side note, I guess I should announce I'm completely non-religious in any way. I've nothing against it, it's just not for me.

 

[chaoscypher]

Whoa. That's really good man, lucky for you that you can put depth into your lyrics like that. Whenever I write it seems really simplistic and cryptic. This one is really dark and makes me think every time I try to analyze it. In a way, I was trying to indirectly write a love song.

Sacrum et Dulce

The tender grace
Of a day that's dead
Like an astrologer among stars
Resonating infrared.
A dark sombre beauty
Lays upon the altar
Death is a dreaming angel
Sacrifice never falters.

Far below and high above
Dark symbols of desire
Listen to the shrouded smiles
Of a hellish choir.
Sunlight dies to sleep
Moonlight in its wake
Indifference is strange
Sacrificial mistakes.

Faded sunset afar, twists to fading stars,
Each time we take a breath,
A silent death,
Bubbles in your flooded lungs
Man can never stay young.
Bubbles in your flooded lungs
Man can never stay young.

 

[Agata0023]

Wow man, I really dig it. Alot actually. The only thing I would change is the "Bubbles in your lungs" line, it doesn't seem to fit well (to me anyways). I dunno, roll it over. It's an astrological peice, you may want to consider something along those lines.



Here's something else I wrote, kind of the same idea, involving the sun and stars anyways. Here it is.

Supernova (Revised)

Another old one, written within a week of the previous one I posted.


Your sky's spread dark and endless before me
as you lay scalded and wrapped
by the bridges you've burned
A victim of yourself
You fruitlessly tend to your charred flesh
with the tears streming from your once ivory visage
now sullied by your star gone supernova

My omnious words fell upon deaf ears
"all stars must die"
the brighter they shine
the hotter they burn

Your star just went supernova
and all i can do is laugh
all stars must die
even the brightest must fade.

 

[Agata0023]

And now for something completely different:


Slaughter Not Fight!

Listen to the way they
cook - squared up, sliced up
crusted and crumbling
set it to high
and they turn golden
set it too high
stand back and watch
they burn not fight!
this is slaughter
not a fair fight!
their only hope in their
afterlife is that you choke!

the butter is a backstabber
their only hope in their
afterlife is that you choke!


Yes....the song is about toast. Remember everyone, I'm in a Noise-Rock band. My lyrics don't really have to have any meaning, it was fun to write, it was even more fun to record, and its a blast to play live. It's such a fast paced crazy-chaotic song

 

[david henman]

...post deleted.

 

[Agata0023]

Thats cool man. I like the line. Make sure you post it when its done. I want to see how it comes out.

 

[Ripper]

Here's a fun one I wrote, it goes over really well at the bars here.

Basement Bordello

The basement bordello, a happy little place
A loving environment in an underground space
Happily granting every request
Professional and caring, simply the best.

Chorus:
Basement bordello, a wonderful place
Everything there puts a smile on your face
Leather or latex, naughty or nice
Whips or whipped cream, whatever your vice

The ladies are pretty, give’m a wink
Sinful experiences help one to think
Safe and secure like a bug in a rug,
End off the night with a slap and a tug.

The stairway to heaven lies open wide
Outgoing staff with nothing to hide
Close shaves are common in the den of delight
Tastful and tastey, done up just right

 

[Ripper]

Here's another I wrote awhile back, we actually get requests for this one.

Celtic Woman


An Angel from the Emerald Isle
She can kill you with her smile
Eyes that cut right to your soul
Get a hold and don’t let go
Raven hair and bedroom eyes
Melt your heart and make you cry
Gaelic spirit strong and proud
Lifts me up into the clouds

CHORUS:
Celtic Woman sets me free
Got a magical hold over me
Celtic woman owns my soul
Take the pieces make me whole


Irish lass with a heart of gold
Tender touch drives away the cold
Kisses make me come undone
Golden smiles bring back the sun
Celtic woman made for me
Close my eyes she’s all I see
I’ve fallen deep within her spell
Makes me feel that all is well

 

[Agata0023]

Dude, those are awesome. I wrote one somewhat similar to your Basement Bordello. Its all about BSDM haha. I wrote it when I was a teenager, and its a but more graphic than yours. Here it is.


Slave

You know I'll do
anything for you
my body is yours
and it wants to be abused

I'm all bruised, bloody and sore
please let me be your slave some more
just name a price
you know i'll pay
i'll do anything you say
(another line that may work here is "i will always obey")

So come on
whip me
beat me
tie me up
and use me
i'm begging you for more
blind me
gag me
choke me
and tease me
i want to be your whore

bite me
scratch me
til i bleed
its those feelings that i need

bound in a web of whips and chains
use them on me, i love the pain.


hahah reading that again reminds me of how messed up I was as a teenager. I've grown out of that kind of thing (almost) completely, and it was never that extreme, but its a cool song, people seem to like it.

 

[Ripper]

I like it, it's got nice flow and definitely paints a picture. What kind of beat/speed of song is it??

That basement bordello song was written after a lady I work with a couple of years ago was all excited because she had gotten a webcam to talk to her family back home (england). I was teasing her about other things people use webcams for and she told me that she was not running a basement bordello...low and behold...a song was born.

Celtic woman was written for my wife, she's from Ireland.

 

[Agata0023]

That song particular is one of my few slower songs. Kind of the tempo found on NIN's Pretty Hate Machine album. The slower songs on it anyways.

 

[david henman]

That basement bordello song was written after a lady I work with a couple of years ago was all excited because she had gotten a webcam to talk to her family back home (england). I was teasing her about other things people use webcams for and she told me that she was not running a basement bordello...low and behold...a song was born.

...amazing how that happens, eh? your lyrics are great on this one (celtic woman is none too shabby, either!). nicely crafted.

are you the sole lyricist, or is it a collaborative effort?

does your band have a web site?

-dh

 

[Ripper]

Thanks for the kind words David. I wrote the words and music for those songs. As a band we do have some songs that we a collaborative effort but the drummer and I have written most of our originals. We've got one song called Wheh-enh (I know goofy name), that came about one night at practice when I was goofing around with a riff and my wah, the drummer kicked in and we had a tune. He and I sat down about a week later and put lyrics to it. Someone actually phoned the local radio station wondering if they could play it Too bad we don't have it on CD yet.

We're fine tuning some more at the moment and we are shooting for putting out a CD this fall. It's nice now that we are at the point where we have enough of a following that are original stuff is getting accepted very well.

Our band website is http://www.hammeredhome.com It's all done tongue in cheek but check it out.

 

[Ripper]

Out of curiousity, when you guys write, do you write the lyrics first or the music? I mostly write the words first. I've always been into poetry and writing it (helped to qwell the demons), but sometimes I think it makes it harder doing a song this way.

 

[Lester B. Flat]

Here's one I've yet to perform live. Sometimes lyrics don't work when they're just hanging out there without the music. Lyrics are not poetry. These words, however, seem happy existing by themselves.

When Love Comes

When love comes,
it comes without a warning,
comes without pain.
When love comes,
it comes without a conscience,
comes without a brain.
when love comes.

When love comes,
it comes without prejudice,
comes without a name.
When love comes,
it comes without principles,
comes without shame.
when love comes.

Are you going to be ready?
ready when love comes?

When love comes,
it comes without instructions,
comes without batteries.
When love comes,
it comes without a warranty,
no lifetime guarantee.
when love comes.

Are you going to be ready?
ready when love comes?

When love comes,
it comes without breathing,
though its just a breath away.
When love comes,
it comes without speaking,
'cause there's nothing you can say,
when love comes.

Are you going to be ready?
ready when love comes?

 

[Ripper]

I don't agree that lyrics aren't poetry. They are very much a type of poetry. Poetry comes in many forms, some that rhyme some that don't, with all types of cadences and layouts.

Lester I really like some of the phrases you used in that song, especially the one about no warranty or guarantee, very nice.

 

[Lester B. Flat]

Thanks, Ripper. I guess what I should have said is lyrics can be poetry but they don't have to be poetry in order to be good lyrics. They serve another master which is the music. In other words, when writing lyrics you shoudn't be too concerned about writing good poetry.

I haven't been able to add emoticons since The Great Server Upgrade of '07, so insert two smilies with beer mugs here.

 

[Ripper]

Thanks, Ripper. I guess what I should have said is lyrics can be poetry but they don't have to be poetry in order to be good lyrics. They serve another master which is the music. In other words, when writing lyrics you shoudn't be too concerned about writing good poetry.

I haven't been able to add emoticons since The Great Server Upgrade of '07, so insert two smilies with beer mugs here.

I agree with that completely. I watched a documentary about the Beatnik coffee houses in the 50's. Cool "poetry" and like you said, doesn't have to rhyme, as long as the words server the purpose of the writer. The trouble with alot of what I write is that the words come way before the music usually. I have about 4 big note books full of finished and partially finished songs/poems/musings. Sometimes the music comes easy to match to the words, sometimes it is a long process.

 

[david henman]

Out of curiousity, when you guys write, do you write the lyrics first or the music? I mostly write the words first. I've always been into poetry and writing it (helped to qwell the demons), but sometimes I think it makes it harder doing a song this way.

...its very hard to say and, of course, art is a very personal, intimate "conceit", so songwriting is best tailored to the individual. in other words, whatever works.

for me, it is usually music first, but some of my best songs have come from putting music to my "poetry".

i write every night, without fail (gig nights excluded), for at least an hour or two. and, i have learned from painful experience, to record everything, usually on cassette.

-dh