The Canadian Guitar Forum banner

1 - 20 of 34 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
284 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hey I know this is a guitar forum but thought I'd throw this out there in the open mic since I'm kinda in shock at the moment... Sorry for the downer topic.

My nephew passed away suddenly yesterday. My sister and brother in law are a wreck. She asked me what do you do to plan a funeral and I didn't know (in our family we've been lucky enough to never have to plan one)...

I know the minister and hospital/morgue can help but I know I can help them by doing the menial tasks....

So does anyone know where to start...?

I guess contact a funeral home...?

Thx



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,063 Posts
We just went through this with my Mom. Our family has more or less collectively decided not to fund any more BMW purchases by funeral home directors.

I offer my condolences, and the only advice I can offer is not to succumb to the horrible pressure tactics to say farewell to your loved one by pouring usurious fees into their coffers.

It's a disgraceful industry in my opinion.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,367 Posts
In my experience, a funeral home is a good place to start. They will walk you through everything that needs to be done. Yes, they charge exorbitant fees for some things - eg. a cardboard box for cremation was $50, if my memory serves me well. But if you don't know what you are doing, they are experts, and often expertise is worth paying for.

As far as the little things you can do, answer the phone, organize meals, wash dishes, help them let people know, just be there. If they are part of a faith community, tap into that - meals will start appearing and emotional support will start rolling in. If it was a suicide, or otherwise self-destructive death, encourage them not to sweep it under the carpet, but to be open and honest about it.

Deepest condolences.

(For the frugal minded handypeople out there, you can save your heirs a considerable sum if you can make your own casket/urn. If my Dad knew what an urn cost, he would have definitely built himself one.)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,063 Posts
How about $700 to transport the body twenty km to the crematorium? $800 to rent a casket for the service...…

If we were talking about $50 I wouldn't have the same bad taste.

No, they use guilt to prey on people in the weakest moments.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,894 Posts
The biggest thing is to advertise the passing in a local paper in case there is any outstanding debts and you have to ask them what they want the family, food funeral home priest or other or cremation or burial ( caskets can cost a small fortune ) donations ( heart foundation or something similar )or flowers.
We have been looking at mine when the time comes and I have chosen to be cremated and we have a wood box for the ash'es with only family at home ( immediate ) and the cost's are about $1500.00
I am so sorry for your sudden loss and I hope that it works out to how the family would like it to be to help them it isn't easy but when family pulls together it really does help hope this helps you think about what you may need.good luck and best wish's.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,063 Posts
$10 000 by time your done. Don't sighn your name to anything, you might be paying.
At least.

I get that some people need to have religious ceremonies and such but yeah, I have a price list I can share. It's a business. Don't have any illusions about them doing it to be kind. I've seen too many crocodile tears followed by a crazy invoice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,848 Posts
At least.

I get that some people need to have religious ceremonies and such but yeah, I have a price list I can share. It's a business. Don't have any illusions about them doing it to be kind. I've seen too many crocodile tears followed by a crazy invoice.
They play on your emotions. Everyone wants the best for their loved one but it all costs money.
 
L

·
Guest
Joined
·
0 Posts
My condolences.

Was your nephew driving age? Did he sign the 'organ donation' portion?
Depending on his parents views, donate his body if he was in good health otherwise.
Maybe even to science. Med students always need cadavers to learn on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,931 Posts
$10 000 by time your done. Don't sighn your name to anything, you might be paying.
@iamthehub, I agree with @Milkman that funeral homes are deeply crooked, but there's NO WAY that your family should have to pay $10K unless they want to.

First decision is, cremate or bury whole - the latter shoots the costs WAY up. Next decision, cremate before service or have a showing and then cremate after - again the latter shoots the costs up a lot.

Like a lot of people, we've opted for simple and inexpensive and haven't felt that either the dead or any of the living were cheaped-out. The body has gone from the hospital to the crematorium, we received an urn, had a memorial service in a church or a hall or our home, and we spread the ashes somewhere significant (or in a couple of cases interred them in an already-owned family plot). It's been a few years since I planned one myself, but all of this cost only a few thousand, well under half the cost @Distortion poses above.

Start with the funeral home, go in with an idea of what you want and with questions. Let them know that you'll be visiting other funeral homes, especially if you don't like what you hear.

As someone else has already said above, don't let them prey on your family. They're scum. Good friend of mine spent more than a year getting the education (after decades doing something else) and interning at one of Toronto's top funeral homes. He barely made it through the internship and quit when they offered him a full-time job; detested the many scummy dishonest parts of the business. Don't let them use the tactics on you.

Young man, sudden death... was it suicide? Just went through that earlier this year with our daughter's "cousin" by marriage, a fine young man who'd had Christmas dinner with us just months before he killed himself; shock to us all. I didn't plan this funeral, but the people who did were wise. The memorial service was almost two months after the death, so people had lost some of their shock, and weren't feeling rushed to attend a service, lots of notice and time to prepare for it. Many of the more-skilled were asked to speak about him, and by that time maybe didn't feel obligated to express shock and sadness. They remembered the young man with deep fondness and humor that seemed to help many people move through the sadness. The memorial service was a deeply moving and quite-happy event.

Best of luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,848 Posts
@iamthehub, I agree with @Milkman
Like a lot of people, we've opted for simple and inexpensive and haven't felt that either the dead or any of the living were cheaped-out. The body has gone from the hospital to the crematorium, we received an urn, had a memorial service in a church or a hall or our home, and we spread the ashes somewhere significant (or in a couple of cases interred them in an already-owned family plot). It's been a few years since I planned one myself, but all of this cost only a few thousand, well under half the cost @Distortion poses above.

Best of luck.
You really did not have a funeral. You got rid of the body. $3300 is the cheapest box in a Hamilton Cemetary. $2200 for the box $500 for the engraved door. $400 to open the door and intern the ashes. Also a charge for maintenance . The passed on person now has a legacy on this earth and everyone deserves that. Burial plots to put ashes in cost money also and you will need a headstone. No funeral home will do their part for a couple thousand dollars.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,533 Posts
My deepest condolences to you, Family and friends. While I agree that funeral homes play on peoples emotions, there are a lot of options you can discuss. If money is a concern, there is a government funded portion to pay for some of the costs. I forget what it is called. Please ask about that and you may find it’s not as expensive as it needs to be and could still be a very nice service. Cremation could be done economically and they can keep the urn and decide what to do down the road. Some churches have Gardens where they put the ashes into the soil. Like a memorial gardens without all the expensive burial plots. Cemeteries to also have small plots for ashes. Usually in a wall or monument with compartments with commemoration plaques.

Good luck to you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
284 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
My condolences.

Was your nephew driving age? Did he sign the 'organ donation' portion?
Depending on his parents views, donate his body if he was in good health otherwise.
Maybe even to science. Med students always need cadavers to learn on.
He was 19, I have no idea if he is donating organs.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
284 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Hi everyone

Thanks for the replies. It's nice of each of you to take the time to respond.

My sister and brother in law are at a funeral home as I type this. They said I can help elsewhere. It's something they need to do for themselves.

I find myself bursting in tears at any given moment. My wife and I were ordering take out tonight as we aren't in the mood to cook and she mentioned his favourite dish.... And I tear up. I'm beginning to tear up right now as I write this.

Thanks everyone for your kind words...

To everyone who reads this... Please hug your loved ones or call them and tell them you love them. Don't wait til tomorrow because in some cases tomorrow never comes.





Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,032 Posts
I'm sorry for your loss. Much has been covered, just keep in mind funerals are for the living to grieve and say goodbye. The deceased is deceased.

That being said, get at least a dozen copies of the death certificate. Easier now than later.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,864 Posts
Take very good care of each other.

The reality and finality is so harsh to bear.

I'm thinking of you and your family and wishing I could do some small thing to make it a even a tiny bit easier for all of you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,533 Posts
I'm sorry for your loss. Much has been covered, just keep in mind funerals are for the living to grieve and say goodbye. The deceased is deceased.

That being said, get at least a dozen copies of the death certificate. Easier now than later.
good point about the death certificates. Some airlines will give you half price airfare so relatives can go to the service. You may have to pay in full upfront but providing the death certificate you may get a rebate.

Not something you want to think about in the thick of things. It could be very beneficial to family members who might not be able to make it otherwise
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,181 Posts
Sorry for the loss of your nephew. You had it right in your first post. You can help with menial tasks. They do not have to be funeral related. Cooking a meal, cutting the lawn, whatever. And don't ask 'is there anything I can do', just do it. It will be appreciated and make things a little easier for them (and you). If you ask, people tend to say 'no' just to be polite.
 
1 - 20 of 34 Posts
Top