How can you tell when the Bluegrass stage is perfectly level?
The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
Define "perfect pitch".
Heaving an accordion into a trash can from across the room, so that it lands on, and completely crushes both the bodhran and highland pipes already there.
A young girl comes home from school, where the class has just finished Health Class and asks... "Mommy, is it possible to get pregnant from @nal sex?"
"Of course it is", mom responds, "Where do you think bass players come from?"
*Edit to add one of my favs.....
Owing to unrelated circumstances, 3 guys arrive at The Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter greets them and tells them they are the first three who are going to experience the new admissions policy.
"No longer", St Pete explains, "Will admission to heaven be granted on spiritual matters. Of late they have become too fraught with peril, so we decided on a completely arbitrary decider. Your admission will be based on your financial success."
The first guy steps up and says "Well, St. Pete, I made billions of dollars between working the stock-market and producing major motion pictures. When I died the economy of the whole world was thrown into a moderate slide before recovering. Can I come in?"
"You may enter.", St Peter intones in his biggest deepest voice. (James Earl Jones has NOTHING on St Peter!)
The 2nd guy steps up and says, "Mr Peter, I made millions being a plastic surgeon to the stars. People came to me from all over the world to have the signs of ageing reversed, and their beauty enhanced. May I enter heaven?"
"You may enter.", is St Peters simple response.
The third guy steps up looking a little hung-over. His face is peppered with a few days of beard growth. His shoulders have a tired slope to them, in spite of the strength in his wiry frame. He runs long, bony fingers through long thinning hair, wipes his palm off on his threadbare jeans and stammers, "Well, lemme think here. In my whole life, I don't think I ever made much more than 10 grand a year. "
"Oh", says St Peter, "What instrument did you play?"
(hold for laughter)
The guy fumbles some change and picks out of his pocket, "I played guitar almost all my life."
"Cool", exclaims St Peter, "You can come in, but go around the side, up the alley, and come in through the kitchen would ya."
How many lead-guitar players does it take to change a light-bulb?
All of them... One to actually change the bulb in the first place, and all the rest to stand back, act smug and say, "I could do that...."
How can you tell when there's a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking keeps getting louder and faster.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.
What's the difference between a Toronto musician and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Someone who knows how to play bag-pipes, but doesn't.
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