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Johnny comes home from school and tells his mother, "Mom! Today we were practicing counting and I was able to count all the way to 100!"

"That's wonderful!", said his mother. "That's because you're a drummer!"

Next day Johnny comes home and says, "Mom!" Today we worked on the alphabet and I was able to get all the way from A to Z!"

"Oh, Johnny, that's great!", says his mother. "That's because you're a drummer!"

The third day, Johnny comes home from school and says to his mother, "Mom! Today the school nurse took our measurements and I'm the tallest boy in the class! Is that because I'm a drummer?"

His mom replies, "No Johnny. That's because your 26 years old."
 

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A guy at a grocery store is at the checkout.
He bought a loaf of bread, some cold cuts and some cheese.
The cashier lady looks up at him and says " I can tell right away that your single".

The guy looks at his bag of groceries and says " I guess its pretty obvious".
She replies..." its not that, its because your ugly".
G.
 

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I used a high definition camera to take video of farms--but it turned out grainy.
 
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A piece of string walks into a bar. Before he sits down the bartender yells "Hey! We don't serve pieces of string like you!"
The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls around on the ground for a bit.
Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down. The bartender says "Aren't you that piece of string?"
The string replies "No. I'm a frayed knot."
 
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A musician parks his car and leaves his accordion in the back seat while going to meet some friends for dinner.
He's a bit nervous about leaving it behind, but figures since the car is locked and in a public place, everything will be fine.
Throughout the meal, though, he finds himself worrying more and more, until finally he can't take the stress and decides to go check.
He excuses himself and hurries outside. From halfway across the parking lot, he sees the shattered glass.
Someone has broken the back window of his car!
Fearing the worst, he sprints across the lot and peers into the back seat, but it was too late: someone had already left another accordion.
 
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there.
He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo.
Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.
When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
 

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A horse walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "Because I'm Nicholas Cage."
 

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Two men walk into a bar. The first one says, "I saw you out with your girlfriend last night, she’s quite attractive."
The second one says, "Yes and I’m in with her twin too."
The first one says, "Oh really? How do you tell them apart?"
The second one replied, "He's got a moustache".
 
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